Confessions of a ‘soon to be’ engineer…

So I am almost an engineer.. Am I happy? Well kinda.. I always wanted this in my life. But then, the journey has not been easy. It was fun.. and then some.. The most difficult part though was the final few weeks.. And trust me it was not the late nights and the caffine withdrawl symptoms. It was something deeper, something that shook my beliefs..

I have always been a very logical, very rational person. Never understood the arts and the not so straight forward thinking subjects. I always prefered structured thought and logic over emotions and feelings. And 4 years of engineering studies has made this worst. Cause and effect method of thinking and comprehension, rationality, quantification of values and logic, were drilled into us for 4 years and I let them reach my core.

I had accepted the absolute truth in logic and believed that nothing was higher, powerful and absolute than rational. I believed that my logical thought would allow me to solve any given problem.. though I may need resources.. a lot of them, but there was always a solution that could be reached…

In the last few weeks, all this has been shaken from its roots.. I realised that as much as I can think logically and rationally, I cannot get myself to behave, and feel that way. If I cannot get myself to behave in the way I think I should behave.. how can I expect others to do that.. That means that the whole world can never behave logically..

That’s not possible.. cos logic and rational are the absolute truths….Arn’t they??

I am doomed.. What I stood for lies bare in front of me.. Destroyed by the very person that stood for it.. I have nothing to stand for now.. I have lost all I ever completely believed in….

Would I dare to believe in anything anymore???

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5 comments so far

  1. Witchdoctor on

    "What I stood for lies bare in front of me.. Destroyed by the very person that stood for it.. I have nothing to stand for now.. I have lost all I ever completely believed in…."

    I completely agree with this statement. But, for me, I prefer to consider it as

    "They are just a flock of to fish for fame its person".

  2. sweska on

    well said!
    but with your passion and zeal you will find your way amidst the irrational and the illogical…all the best!!

  3. NTT on

    @doc

    Smelly Boy!!

    @sweksa

    What passion and what zeal?? None are left now.. For they were all based on the same values of logic and rational… All is lost… Sigh.

  4. Jeanie on

    NTT, are you possibly over-stretching it a little? Maybe you're just going through a pessimistic period at the moment?

    You implied that you were no longer thinking that rationally or logically anymore – that probably signals some level of stress that you are currently facing that is causing you to behave differently from your usual self.

    Everyone goes through such crazy phases. Maybe if you take a step or two backwards, and relax a little, the world may not seem to be ending so soon then.

  5. NTT on

    @Jeanie

    Its not that I am no longer able to think that rationally or logically. But my feelings and behavior tends not to follow my rational thought. Sigh… I think I should do one thing.. and I end up doing another…

    Maybe you are right, I need a break. But then again, its been quite stress-free for the last week.. Or maybe I am just shocked by the sudden change in stress levels and other things.. I dont know.. and somehow I dont want to know…

    But then.. life goes on.. and so will I…


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